3 of a 3-Part Series, By Penny Waller Ulmer, MACP, Registered Psychologist
Toward Meaning and Identity in Dementia Caregiving
Caregiving can feel like being folded into someone else’s life: their routines, their needs, their changes. Over time, many care partners describe a steady erosion of self, as if who they were before is slowly being pushed into the background.
Research shows that even in the face of long-term stress, meaning, growth, and purpose are still possible. Not in the shiny, motivational sense, but in the grounded, resilient way that shows up through small acts of presence, honesty, and emotional alignment. It is about showing up in a way that reflects your values, even when life is hard.Psychologists call this kind of well-being eudaimonia.
Emerging Through Care
Caring for someone with dementia is hard. And, it can also shape who you are in deep ways. Some care partners find that through the challenges, they grow stronger, learn new skills, and discover what really matters to them. This kind of well-being isn’t about feeling happy or content all the time - which we know isn’t really what people think of what it comes to caregiving a loved one through dementia. It’s about finding purpose, staying true to your values, and making room for growth, even when things are painful.
Researchers call this eudaimonic well-being. It’s meaning from growth from struggle (Marino et al., 2017). You might feel it when you stay patient during a hard moment, when you adapt to a new routine, or when you pause to notice the quiet bond that still exists. Over time, this way of living can bring a sense of purpose, connection, and self-trust that goes deeper than short-term happiness.
“Every morning, I help her do her hair the way she’s always liked it, and then we head to Tim Hortons. That little routine keeps us steady. The other day, she came out wearing her parka. I glanced at the forecast and said, kind of surprised, ‘Looks like it’s going up to 75 today, maybe your spring jacket instead?’ A while ago, I might’ve gotten frustrated. But I’ve let go of needing things to make sense the old way. Now I step into her world for a moment, then gently guide her back. Things keep shifting, but I treat it like a small puzzle - how do I help her get the spring jacket on? I still know how to care for her. That keeps me grounded. It reminds me I still have a role.”
Light in the Small Things: Optimism and Agency
Alongside eudaimonia, two other ideas help shape how some care partners begin to feel more grounded:
Optimism, in this context, doesn’t mean being cheerful. It means trusting that your efforts still make a difference, that you can face the day with intention, even if you can’t control the outcome. It’s the belief that your presence still has impact.
Agency means having a sense of choice or direction. It doesn’t have to be big. In caregiving, it might look like how you brush a loved one’s hair, the tone you use when offering help, or how you decide to rest when you can. These small moments can reconnect you to your own identity, not just as a care partner, but as a person with values, humour, and inner life.
Even when caregiving feels like it’s taking over, these small acts of meaning, optimism, and agency can start to rebuild a sense of self.
Four Ways to Recall Yourself in the Middle of it All
1. Let Meaning Be Something You Shape
Some care partners describe feeling like life has been put on pause, as if everything they expected, hoped, worked toward, or enjoyed now exists in parentheses.
But purpose does not always arrive with a bang. Sometimes it grows quietly, through repetition, through noticing, through the act of showing up again and again.
You might reflect:
“This isn’t the future I imagined. What part of me still feels called to be here?”
“What does this role teach me about who I’m becoming?”
Studies suggest that care partners who find personal meaning in the caregiving role, even just moments of it, often feel more emotionally anchored and resilient over time (Marino et al., 2017). Meaning does not need to erase grief or pain, but it can help hold you through it.
2. Find Optimism in Grounded Action, Not Positive Spin
You do not need to pretend this is easy. Well-being is not about staying upbeat. It is about staying connected to what matters.
Optimism here does not mean pretending things are fine. It means believing that your actions still hold meaning, that how you show up still shapes something in your loved one’s day and in your own.
Research shows that when care partners feel more in control and believe they can handle what’s happening, they tend to feel less emotionally drained and cope better (Ruisoto et al., 2019).
Utilizing optimism might sound like:
“I don’t know how this will go, but I know I can face today with care.”
“I may not fix everything, but I can choose how I move through it.”
“I am going to set up the Raz Memory Phone, tomorrow, when I have more bandwidth.”
It is not about denying practical overload, conflicting feelings, or difficulty. It is about remembering your capacity within it.
3. Small Acts of Agency Can Reconnect You to Yourself
Caregiving often reduces your day to checklists: meds, meals, safety, appointments. But who you are is more than what you manage.
Even within the structure of those routines, there are moments where your choices reflect something personal — a gesture, a tone, a rhythm that feels like your own. When you bring that part of yourself into the day with intention, you’re not just getting through it. You’re engaging with it on your own terms.
One care partner shared: “I started humming again when I brushed her hair. That used to be something we shared - music. It’s small, but it feels like me again.”
Another reflected: “I had the time to make Nanaimo bars. She devoured a couple and we made jokes. She feels better today even though she might not know why. For me, I felt like myself for a while in that.”
Agency is the capacity to make choices that reflect your values, needs, and sense of self. When a moment feels like it belongs to you, it can remind you that you’re still here, not erased by responsibility, but held within it.
4. Let Leisure Be More Than Escape. Let It Be Satisfying.
Leisure doesn’t need to be one more thing to check off a list. Care partners often give all of their ‘extra time’ away, but some of that time, if possible, needs to be free from the demands of work or duty. Satisfactory time and personally meaningful leisure was found to reduce stress and burden in care partners (Bedini et al., 2017).
Leisure isn’t just about a break from caregiving, it’s about knowing that you are (mostly) unreachable so that you can rest or engage in something that feels emotionally nourishing and reflective of who you are. It might mean going for a long walk in nature or cooking a meal that feels creative and comforting. These moments remind you that you’re still here, that there is still a “you” behind the care partner role. These aren’t escapes from life; they are life.
“I keep my sketchbook and watercolours by the chair near the window. I don’t need to finish anything. I just sit when I can, mix a few colours... It’s like something in me softens. I remember I still have an inner world that’s mine.”
“I decided I’m done with texting just to cancel. When I get a window, I call up whoever’s free, turn the phone off, and head to the rink. Ball hockey, a few laughs. It’s simple, but I feel like myself again. Like I didn’t vanish when this all started.”
When leisure gives something back to you, when it restores, connects, or settles, you’ll know it. It won’t just feel like a pause. It’ll feel like a return to yourself.
Final Thoughts
Meaning in caregiving rarely arrives as a big moment. It grows through small choices that match your values, even on hard days. You might feel it when you choose patience, adjust a plan, experiment with responding differently, or share a moment together. This kind of meaning does not erase pain, but it can steady you. If it helps, name one thing today that felt like you, and let that be enough.
About This Post and Supporting Research
This post is for general educational purposes only and does not constitute psychological advice or therapy and is not intended to replace personalized care from a licensed mental health professional in Canada.
Marino, V. R., Haley, W. E., & Roth, D. L. (2017). Beyond hedonia: A theoretical reframing of caregiver well-being. Translational Issues in Psychological Science, 3(4), 400–409. https://doi.org/10.1037/tps0000134
Ruisoto, P., Contador, I., Fernández-Calvo, B., Palenzuela, D., & Ramos, F. (2019). Exploring the association between optimism and quality of life among informal caregivers of persons with dementia. International Psychogeriatrics, 31(3), 309–315. https://doi.org/10.1017/S104161021800090X
Bedini, L. A., Labban, J. D., Gladwell, N. J., & Dudley, W. N. (2018). The effects of leisure on stress and health of family caregivers. International Journal of Stress Management, 25(S1), 43–55. https://doi.org/10.1037/str0000072
關於 Stellocare
本篇文章來自 Stellocare，加拿大值得信賴的心理健康專業名錄。我們連結通過嚴格審核的持牌治療師、社工與心理學家，為您帶來真實可靠的專業資訊。
本文作者為 Penelope Waller Ulmer，是我們平台上的認證治療師。您可以在下方進一步了解他／她的專業與治療風格。
