So, your in a relationship with a person you really life. Logically you know that you are safe and loved. There is this expectation that you should feel secure. But.. you don’t. There’s this anxiety that fills your mind and body. Maybe your body shuts down the moment something feels emotionally close or real.
One of the most common things young adults tell me in in therapy is
“ I don’t know why I react this way, but I can’t seem to feel secure in relationships”
They say this with shame, frustration and the internal belief that this is a permanent flaw.
It isn’t.
Feeling insecure in relationships isn’t a personality issue.
It’s not immaturity.
It’s not “being too much”
And it’s not a sign you’re unlovable.
It’s your nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do long before you ever started dating.
Let’s gently break this down.
Your body reacts before your mind does
Before your brain labels anything as “danger”, your nervous system scans for patterns it recognizes:
-Tone Shifts
-Delayed replies
-Facial expressions
-Changes in energy
-Subtle emotional cues
If you grew up in an environment where safety was inconsistent, unpredictable, or emotionally confusing, your body learned to stay alert: just in case.
So, when someone you care about feel off, you body isn’t overeating. It’s reacting to a memory.
This Isn’t insecurity. This is protection.
You learned relationship safety from your earliest relationships:
Your attachment patterns didn’t come form your romantic patterns - at least not initially anyways.
They developed from your childhood environments that taught you:
-whether needs were welcomed
-how conflict was handled
-how emotions were met
-whether love was predictable
-whether you felt seen, soothed and supported
If those experiences were inconsistent, chaotic, or emotionally sparse, your body adapted with brilliant creativity:
-staying alert
-watching for shifts in mood
-anticipating conflict
-trying to be “easy”
-avoiding vulnerability
-relying on yourself
These are not flaw, they are survival strategies.
And survival strategies, when repeated for years, become familiar relationship patterns.
Healthy Relationships Can Feel Unfamiliar (& that can feel unsafe)
Many young adults tell me:
“When relationships are stable or calm.. It feels weird” which is normally followed with “ I know it’s supposed to be good and feel good.. But it doesn’t…”
Of course it does!! This makes so much sense.
If you grew up bracing for emotional impact, stability doesn’t match the blueprint your body knows.
Calm can feel suspicious.
Consistency can feel “too good”.
Kindness can feel confusing.
Someone being emotionally available can feel overwhelming.
Your body is not resisting love.
It’s resisting unfamiliarity.
You respond to relationships with what used to keep you safe.
Some people cling
Some withdraw
Some shut down
Other’s overthink every text
Or avoid dating altogether.
Some jump into relationships to feel anchored.
Or stay hyper-independent.
Others panic when things feel too close.
Or panic when things feel distant.
All of these reactions make sense.
They’re old protective patterns trying to keep the peace..
… even when the danger is no longer there.
You don’t’ have to “fix” your attachment style to become secure.
This is one of the biggest misconceptions online.
You don’t heal insecurity through:
-forcing vulnerability
-changing your personality
-”acting secure”
-pretending you don’t care
-dating perfectly regulated people
-reading a list of attachment tips
You heal insecurity through:
Consistent, attuned, grounded relational experience.
Where your nervous system learns that connection can be safe.
This can happen with a partner.
It can happen with a friend.
And yes, very powerfully, it can happen in therapy.
Attachment style isn’t your destiny.
It’s a reflection of the past, one that can soften over time with new, safe experiences.
What healing actually looks like:
It’s slow.
It’s gentle.
It’s relational.
& it’s never about perfection.
Healing looks like:
-noticing a reaction
-naming it.
-exploring where it comes from
-practicing new relational experiences
-feeling supported through emotional activation
-learning you don’t have to run, cling, or shut down
-letting someone stay with you in the hard moments
-building internal safety one interaction at a time.
Your not broken for struggling to feel secure:
Your human.
And your body is doing what it learned to do in order to protect you.
The good news?
Bodies learn.
Nervous systems adapt.
Patterns soften.
And security is absolutely possible.
If you’re ready to understand your relationship patterns and building a more grounded sense of internal safety, I offer virtual therapy for young adults.
You deserve relationships that feel steady, both with others and with yourself.
關於 Stellocare
本篇文章來自 Stellocare，加拿大值得信賴的心理健康專業名錄。我們連結通過嚴格審核的持牌治療師、社工與心理學家，為您帶來真實可靠的專業資訊。
