Most people can relate to the everyday version of FOMO (fear of missing out). It’s the twinge that comes when friends share a story about a night out, or when an invitation comes late and it feels like something fun almost slipped by. Wanting to be included in shared memories, inside jokes, or enjoyable experiences is a normal part of being human. Occasional disappointment or regret in these situations is to be expected. But there is also a deeper kind of FOMO, one that isn’t only about missing an event, but about missing a sense of connection itself. This form touches on how relationships are maintained in the mind and heart, and it links more closely to the psychological themes described below.
When FOMO Means More Than Missing Out
Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) is often described as anxiety about missing opportunities, events, or experiences. But for some, it runs deeper: a fear of being forgotten in the minds of others. This form of FOMO is less about missing the party and more about missing one’s place in someone else’s mental and emotional world. Psychological theories of attachment, schema therapy, and psychodynamic approaches all shed light on this experience.
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape expectations of closeness and safety in adulthood. When caregiving is consistent and secure, people tend to form stable, trusting bonds. When it is inconsistent, attachment patterns may become insecure.
One form, known as anxious attachment, is characterized by vigilance and concern about abandonment. From this lens, FOMO reflects an effort to stay actively present in relationships to ensure others will not drift away. The fear is not simply of missing an event, but of losing connection or being forgotten.
Schema Therapy
Schema therapy, developed by Jeffrey Young, identifies early maladaptive schemas: deep-rooted patterns of belief and feeling that develop when core emotional needs are unmet. Several schemas can make FOMO especially powerful:
Abandonment/Instability: Expectation that others will leave or withdraw support.
Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking: Belief that self-worth depends on being noticed and validated.
Emotional Deprivation: Fear that others will not meet emotional needs unless prompted.
Other-Directedness: Habit of prioritizing others’ views and feelings over one’s own sense of self.
Seen this way, FOMO behaviors such as constant checking in or seeking reassurance are strategies to manage the deeper anxiety that these schemas create.
Psychodynamic and Object Relations Perspectives
Psychodynamic theories emphasize how early relational experiences are internalized. Object relations theory suggests that people carry “internal representations” of themselves and others. If early experiences of care were inconsistent, there may be a persistent worry that one exists in another’s mind only when actively reinforced. In this view, FOMO is not simply social anxiety but an attempt to keep that internal representation alive in someone else’s psyche.
Making Meaning
From these perspectives, FOMO can be understood as more than a surface-level fear of being left out. It can reflect deeper dynamics: attachment insecurity, schemas formed in early life, and relational patterns shaped by past experiences. The impulse to “stay fresh” in another’s mind often protects against the pain of disconnection, but it may also reinforce a cycle of worry and over-effort.
Moving Toward Understanding and Support
Different therapeutic approaches can address these patterns in unique ways. Attachment-informed therapy helps people explore early bonds and develop secure ways of relating. Schema therapy works directly with the core beliefs that drive anxious patterns. Psychodynamic or object relations therapy uncovers how internalized relationships shape current fears of being forgotten. While these approaches differ, what matters most is finding a safe, consistent relationship in which to explore these patterns.
Reflection and Self-Compassion
Self-reflection around FOMO can open valuable insights into how we relate to others and ourselves. Yet reflection alone can feel heavy without the balance of self-compassion. Approaching this exploration with empathy, mercy, and grace creates space for growth rather than self-criticism. Not every instance of FOMO points to deeper wounds, sometimes it is simply a fleeting wish to join in a joyful moment. But when patterns carry themes of aloneness, rejection, or not feeling good enough, therapy can be especially helpful in offering support. The more we understand ourselves with kindness, the more freedom we have to change patterns, nurture connection, and build secure bonds.
Five Reflections on the Experience of FOMO
FOMO can be a passing feeling, or it can stir up deeper questions about belonging and memory in relationships. While there is no quick way to untangle these patterns, there are gentle avenues of reflection that can bring the experience into clearer view:
Notice the signal beneath the feeling.
FOMO is not just irritation about missing an event, it may point to something more. Is it a longing for closeness? A fear of being overlooked? Recognizing what the feeling is signaling can turn vague unease into clearer self-understanding.Trace the emotional echo.
Sometimes the intensity of FOMO outweighs the situation. This may be because the present moment carries an echo of earlier experiences of absence or rejection. Seeing the echo doesn’t erase the sting, but it can bring perspective.Observe the strategies you use.
Many of us manage FOMO through familiar habits: checking in often, overextending socially, or pulling back entirely. These strategies once served a protective purpose. Looking at them with curiosity rather than criticism can reveal how they operate today.Hold the relationship in mind.
It is possible to be carried in someone’s thoughts even when not in their sight. For those who fear being forgotten, trusting this unseen continuity can be challenging. But remembering that bonds often persist in quiet, invisible ways can provide reassurance.Invite compassion into the reflection.
A shift in inner dialogue can make all the difference. Instead of asking, Why am I like this? try asking, What part of me is reaching for care right now? Compassion turns judgment into tenderness and makes space for connection within, not just without.
Ultimately, FOMO is not just about the events we miss, but about the meaning of connection in our lives. Approached with curiosity and compassion, it can become less of a threat and more of a guide toward what we value most in relationship. These reflections are not a replacement for therapy, but they may offer a place to begin noticing how FOMO takes shape in your own experience. With support, these moments of longing can become invitations to build bonds that feel steadier, safer, and more enduring.
About This Writing
This post is for general educational purposes only and does not constitute psychological advice or therapy. It is not intended to replace personalized care from a licensed mental health professional in Canada. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, speaking with a trained professional may help you better navigate this experience and protect your own well-being.
Reading
If you’d like to explore these ideas more deeply, here are some approachable options:
The New Rules of Attachment by Dr. Judy Ho (2024) – a fresh look at recognizing attachment patterns and cultivating more secure connection. Ho extends attachment theory into areas like identity, career, and self-concept.
The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller (2019) – how early bonds influence intimacy, and what it means to feel more secure in relationships.
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller (2010) – a practical introduction to different attachment styles and how they show up in adult relationships.
The Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner (2002) – reflections on how we communicate, stay close, or drift in relationships.
Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young & Janet Klosko (1994) – presents schema therapy ideas with clear stories and explanations.
Attachment Theory – Simply Psychology – a clear overview of the basics of attachment theory.
Object Relations Theory and Therapy: An Overview by Shannon McHugh, PsyD – explains how early relational experiences shape the way we understand ourselves and others.
This article was authored by Penelope Waller Ulmer, a verified therapist in our network. Learn more about their expertise and approach below.
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