BOUNDARIES

********BOUNDARIES********

We hear of boundaries often but what are they? Why do we need them? Why are they so important?

A fence is a clear indication of a boundary to your property or someone else’s. Us humans also have them around us too (mostly invisible).

insert personal story

The other day I was making my morning coffee. As I opened the cupboard I saw the really cute bunny mug that my daughter got for Easter a few weeks back and I asked her “can I use your bunny mug for my coffee!?”

She looked at me from the couch and said “no”- not in a tone, not in a rude way just a simple “no”.

What happened next is the part that needs to be emphasized **

she watched for my reaction- I could see her head looking over to see if her “no” was good enough. This is the important part, I responded with “okay”. I poured my coffee in a different mug and then I went over to sit with her and gave her a hug and we proceeded to talk like we normally do in the mornings.

*****NOW why is this important?****

This was a teaching/reinforcement moment that saying ONLY ‘no’ is enough. That there aren’t any consequences to it aka I wasn’t going to be upset that she said no, therefore she didn’t need to feel guilt about it.

It is a VERY common feeling that when someone has a reaction to our boundaries such as disappointment, dislike, anger etc that we internalize this that our boundary is not okay. That our ‘no’ is not enough. We start to feel guilt or shame as a result and often give into our boundary, cross our own boundary for the other person, at the cost of our own happiness. We learn this at a young age, hence the story with my eldest daughter.

We carry this into adulthood which makes it so much more difficult to instill our boundaries.

If you struggle with boundaries, I encourage you to remember that the response/reaction of another person to your boundaries is NOT your responsibility. Your responsibility is to uphold your boundary. Boundaries keep you safe : emotionally, mentally, physically & spiritually. A boundary is an invisible fence around YOURSELF. YOU get to decide who you allow in your yard (person space) & your house (mind) etc..

This article was authored by Cassandra Valmestad, a verified therapist in our network. Learn more about their expertise and approach below.

Cassandra Valmestad

Canadian Certified CounsellorMACP

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